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18WT 020:  Bad Dad Gifts for Father's Day!

May 17, 2021 Patrick Heller / Janet McCue

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18WT 020:  Amidst coffee and laughter we begin by finding out that Janet not only has lips, lipstick on, but they match her red reading glasses. Patrick reminds you that you can see these on YouTube episode 20, yes, they are on number twenty now! Next up Patrick thanks everyone for joining the show to be interrupted by Janet’s chicken feathers, a.k.a. her hair is not a mess, her feathers are under control. Patrick’s is all tied down also, lol

Today they are talking about What Not to Buy Daddy for Daddy’s Day! (See the BAD gift slideshow below) Kind of like episode 17 Namaste for Momma’s Day, bad & Good gifts lists. They are going to hook you up at the end of the show with great gift recommendations on what To Buy Dad for Father’s day. Like Hans & Frans they are going to Hook You Up! Janet goads Patrick into doing the voice of Hans N Frans to get a few more laughs. She knew she could get him to Pump You Up!   His voices get her going and they were falling apart without you. Somehow as Patrick is trying to start talking about the gifts Janet is playing around with echoes.

They begin with Mr. Milker, now men can breastfeed. Patrick stutters over talking about breasts and Mommy milk in the bottle and bottles in the vest so Dad can breastfeed. Patrick cannot fathom that idea. If he was meant to breast feed, he’d have boobies. Just like if he was meant to fly, he would have wings. Janet goes off track about jumping out of perfectly good planes. Patrick drags her back on track to “the list”. Mom doesn’t want things like nipple numbing cream, so most Dad’s don’t want to breast feed. Not a gift for Daddy’s day.

They wrap it around to Novelty clothing, you know things like funny bright ties, boxer shorts and golf socks.   They agree these things have gone the wayside. No G-strings’ with novelty sayings, no banana hammocks. They laugh about how many licks to get to the center one, two, three, crunch says Patrick. Janet says he just got Lorena Bobbitt-id, then tells the younger crowd to google her. They talk about sexy underwear and Patrick insists on no banana hammock, elephant trunk G-string for Daddy’s day and Janet is disappointed because that was going to be his new swimsuit. He groans a bit about her ideas and how he ain’t flaunting it.

Janet replies that just for that he is not getting the World’s Best anything. No t-shirt, hat, mug, boxer shorts nothing. They agree that Patrick can be an asshole, but only five times since they been together. Dad’s do not want to wear the World’s best or #one of anything that you bought from the big box store like all your neighbor friends. No grillin and chillin apron either. This brings up that Patrick got a great gift from his puggy’s, bbq kit, apron, raw and cooked meat holders for grillin. He said Best gift ever, Pugs rock. Great gift buyers. Anything for grilling is a great gift in Patricks eyes.

They didn’t buy him the potty putter. where you sit on the potty and have a mini green. Janet threatens him with a Billy Bass. If Patrick learns to golf. She wants to buy a Billy Bass for the entertainment. You can program the voice on them and the fish moves, voice activated. They will program it with their pug Cailin’s name so every time she goes by it says her name. It will fascinate their pug for hours. A true laugh factory for about 24 hours until he throws it in the garbage. There is a commercial where their pug Cailin a.k.a. Frankie, always barks at the puppy in the car seat. They are laughing about it as they continue.

She offers to buy a window squeegee for the blazer. He clams he doesn’t need car seats, freshener, engine oil, fuzzy dice, fuzzy window balls..  No vanilla cupcake freshener either. And no coupons for the car wash either. This brings up hot rods, peek under the cover and you might get to see the classic car. Janet’s brother Jamie has a 63 split window coupe that is red. Patrick thought it was burnt orange, he is corrected by a reminder that her Dad had a burnt orange truck. When they have gone to see her brother, they get to “peek” at the car. They agree to take it off his hands if Jamie wants to give it away to them. Janet asks what Patrick is smoking and can he share….puff, puff, pass…

She has a really good idea. She wants to go see maybe the Judd’s, so she will buy him tickets for Dad’s day. Or maybe a couples massage or a dinner at a vegetarian restaurant. Janet cannot hold it in as Patrick moos at her because she likes it rare, singed on the grill, still hot from the branding iron and she is good with it. Dad’s do not want gifts you want, don’t by him what you want, not even a facial kit. The creams and such. He works hard at the look he has.

Somehow Janet notices she is going crazy with the hand motions and Patrick tells her to put her hands down. When she does, she quits talking and hums. He threatens to pinch her while telling listeners to go see her on YouTube. she simply cannot talk without her hands.

No personal hygiene products because that says Dad stinks. . She offers him bacon cologne, to whit they laugh about every Dog in the neighborhood following him around like their pug Frankie.

Next up she offers him a beer belly. Like the camel back coolers to hydrate, except this goes under the shirt and gets filled with beer. He isn’t into this either and says it is like next there will be a wine belly only higher up for “a” cuppers’. Janet gets distracted by wine and wants one of these to go from “DD” to “G”. Patrick is saying way to much, a waste of boob. His hands can only support so much.

Speaking of support…they want to donate to breast cancer research. Because everyone knows someone who has or had. They want to raise money and they have 3 shirts that support Breast cancer awareness, with 50% of the profits being donated. 18wheeltalk.com/bcsupport they really want to write a big check for the cause. Janet compliments Patrick’s ability to design shirts.

They get back on the subject about smart toothbrushes. And how much do you want your toothbrush to do for you? These tell you where to brush and how much and everything. Imagine if the toothbrush said “you are missing teeth”. Neither one of them want this and laugh about the day when a smart toothbrush recommends dental procedures and products. Can you imagine? Patrick claims his phone is smarter than him and he doesn’t need any smarter things in the house.

So Janet says she wants to buy him a fitness monitor, a Fitbit, or an apple watch. So he doesn’t want any of these. .  Janet brings up the tv show “Blackish”; the wife buys the husband an apple watch. Then a friend of his tells the husband that the wife is using it to track him. Shameless plug for a show they like, but funny too. Janet explains a little while Patrick Google’s the actors in the show. Patrick comes back with Tracy Ellis Ross and Anthony Anderson. She is the Lays’ commercial lady.

Patrick doesn’t want a fitness tracker, so Janet offers to buy him Meggings…men’s leggings. Patrick stops her right there asking if she really knows what they are. She laughingly explains how all the big stars are wearing these. He claims he is too old and body shaming himself. Janet offers to take butt picks for the listeners. Patrick has one fine butt. Like who wouldn’t want to see Aquaman in meggings after all. .  However Patrick might agree for them on Aquaman, he says Never for him. This leads to the F-bomb from Patrick repeatedly, driving Janet crazy.

He keeps refusing her Daddy’s Day gifts ideas, so she hits him up with “subtle butt Disposable Gas Neutralizers”. She can barely say it without laughing. This of course leads to a discussion about things to neutralize odor in the bathroom. He refuses on odors and want to go back to meggings. She makes fun of him with boo-boo voice and that is definitely what she is buying him for Daddy’s day. He is going to hang her from the skylight where the plants are if she buys him meggings. As she does her boo-boo cry, he tells her to pull up her leggings and behave. She replies with today is her genie pants, no leggings. He tells her to go back into her bottle. She is wearing elephant pants, Patrick back tracks to toilet mugs .  and how she cannot buy this ever. Worst gift ever he says, except maybe for a plumber.

Janet cannot even describe the BBQ Big Boy, totally in the gutter. It is a little metal man with a long, little wiener for you to put a wiener on to roast on the grill. Patrick wants a bunch of them, what a prank on friends. They are laughing about wieners and beer.

They agree that a lot of these are gag gifts and very funny. But this doesn’t say hey buy these things for Father’s Day. The right funny tie for the right person would be great, pick the right gift is the key. Like Patrick’s brother does wear funny, bright ties. Seems to love them also, however he is a teacher of either kindergarten or first grade. Bless his soul, they don’t know how he does it. Patrick would wear a funny tie and is a hat person. But he tells Janet do not go there.

He will not wear a hat hair like Gallagher, he won’t wear a visor either. F-bombs fly again and Janet pokes the bear over it. He has been bald forever and these gifts don’t work for him.

Janet next offers paperweights,  Patrick replies that the pugs are paper weights, especially Cushla. Patrick doesn’t want a laser cut paper weight or anything like that.  Janet offers to decorate his truck with markers. Patrick replies no, this time he isn’t cleaning it. Janet has pulled this on him before and he cleaned it up.

He says no to chia pets,  she suggests the entire line of Chia presidents. He replies with men tools, power tools, things that make you go Argh.

They talk more about the good list and it has a variety of prices and interests. Electronics, drinking, hunting, power tools, grilling.

That is it for EPISDOE TWENTY! Pretty soon they will be on episode twenty-nine, the same age as Janet. They laugh about alcohol and Jack Daniels Mudd Slides being Janet’s current drink of choice.

He laughs and asks her what is in her coffee. He now doesn’t believe it is just coffee. She wants her espresso that she adds to make her coffee stronger to be a sponsor. They end with the usual disagreement that he is ok with any review even bad. Janet wants the stars, all of them.

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The Bad Dad Gift Ideas

Here are some gifts we believe you should NOT buy Dad for Fathers Day!

 
  • The Beer Belly Bladder
  • The Fitness Tracker
  • Fuzzy Dice
  • Laser Cut Paper Weight
  • The Toilet Bowl Mug
  • The Hair Visor
  • The Potty Putter
  • The BBQ Big Boy
  • Bacon Cologne
  • The Mr Milker
  • Billy Bass
  • Personnel Hygiene Products
  • Aquaman (in Meggings)
  • A Chia Head
  • The Smart Toothbrush

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