18WT 017:  In this episode we begin with Patrick giving Janet crap as usual. This time about her hair, she laughs him off and says it is good enough for her. They jump in and ask for reviews and thumbs up on YouTube.

Patrick tells a snappy joke about Janet needing a Wambulance before they even get into today’s subject. As they both say Mother’s Day, well, Janet says Mom’s day and Patrick insists that she says Namaste’. Thus the adventure begins, Ahhhmmm Namaste. Mum’s day is May 9^th this year it is coming up really quick this year. They are talking about gifts for Mom this year. They came up with an incredibly special list this time.

This list is what Not to buy your Mom for Mother’s Day and they are getting right to it right off the bat. Patrick wants to say it, but somehow Janet jumps the gun and says it for him. The absolute worst gift that either of them as ever heard of was given by a husband to his wife who was a new Mother. He gave her “Nipple soothing Cream”. To which Patrick replies that he likes nipples.

And thus the party begins.   Janet points out in a horrified stern voice that this is not a gift, this is a “if her nipples hurt, go out and buy it for her dude”, never a Mother’s Day or holiday gift.

We come back briefly as they remind us about the breast cancer awareness shirts. They discuss donating ½ of the profits to breast cancer or cancer awareness. There are three shirt choices.  At patrick@18wheeltalk.com you can email Patrick directly through the link on any page of the website to send him your story about cancer.   Janet reminds Patrick that there are other types of cancer, not just bread cancer. Wait, what? It is such a sad story. Yes, she stumbled on her tongue and said bread cancer, instead of breast cancer. If you have a story to share with them, tag the show with #18WT. Patrick is good at replying on social media, which briefly rings up how Janet’s Dad always asked if she was Twitting.

Back to the gifts, the worst gift Patrick ever got his Mom was a fake turd. Luckily, she opened the real gift, a nice calendar clock for her work desk before she threw the turd at him. The clock was a home run of a gift and Patrick was thankful for that. She expected the gag gift because his family does gag gifts that are taped to death all the time. His father Charles is the King of gag gifts. This brings up getting a quart of oil as a gift and Patrick brings up using a straw to put it in the car with. His sister has done this, but Janet is confident she will not hear this, so all is good. Patrick jokes a bit more about his sister and brings up episode #14 where her husband Larry was a guest. Janet asks for an up thumb as Patrick asks for any comment. Patrick gets all potty mouth on them, Janet attempts to clean him up. Namaste, Namaste, Momma’s Day, she tells him to sip, not gulp the drink.

This brings them to number one on the list of not to buy! Self-help audio book or downloads. Do not buy Mom a self-help book, this is not a Mother’s Day gift. Patrick asks Janet what the worst gift she received was. Her reply was an iron, years ago she received an iron. And although she loves neat and tidy clothes, she did not appreciate the gift of an iron to keep her ex’s uniform neat. He apparently thought if he bought her an iron his uniform would look as good as her always did. She thought the iron would look better on the side of his head on the floor. She then continued about she is not a violent person, and we are talking cartoon character, just like Patrick’s favorite cartoon character, Wiley Coyote. The peanut gallery pipes up….

Janet has also received the next gift as Patrick talks about suck starting a Harley with a vacuum. Janet has received a cleaning kit that had lint rollers, a vacuum, Pinesol, a bucket and more. She says, yay me!

Patrick asks what the best gift he has given her on his behalf and the pug’s behalf. She thinks of all the jewelry, which is a given and Patrick rings up the shirts. He buys her the nicest clothes she says. She loves the razor-back shirts and the one’s she cannot remember the name of that show the shoulders and have sleeves. Patrick sings “welcome back”, Janet joins in with the right tune and the wrong words, even singing “I don’t know the words to this song”. To which they both laugh because Janet can make anything into a song. Shoes, shirts, Jewelry, Harley time, Pool time and Janet jokes about putting her shoes on Patrick in his sleep. To which he swears again, he claims all truckers swear. Not Janet’s Dad, she heard her Mom swear once, she said damn it.

Next up Patrick thought Janet was talking about a salon tool, she was talking about garage tools. A Dremel, an actual Dremel. Unless your woman is really into tools and working on things with power tools, garage tools are out. Patrick says the next item she really loves. But there are exceptions on buying this for your wife or Mother. Patrick is looking at Kitchen appliances, she is still on garage tools. Somehow this brings up guns and ammo. Janet says you do not need a holiday to buy guns and ammo for her.   She does a shameless plug asking for donations for money for guns and ammo. Patrick laughs and agrees.

On to kitchen appliances, if your woman is really into gourmet cooking, then it is all good to buy her that new appliance she wants. Otherwise she will see a chore.

Next up is makeup. This is a 110% no! You have to know absolutely what your woman like for color, brand, type, everything. Their pug Cailin a.k.a. Frankie agrees. You have to know basic things like does she use for instance liquid base or mineral or stick base? And which shade for which time of year? That is just the beginning on makeup. So guys, avoid it like the plague unless you truly know these things. Or she gave you and exact shopping list!

The next gift is only ok, if given by children, it for the most part is not good when given by adults. I owe You notes or handmade gift coupon books.  When the husband gave the wife a coupon book for, “I will take you car and get it washed, I will go fill your car with gas”, what a lazy ass.

When an adult gives them, it is entirely different. If you are 100% broke, it is better than nothing. For newlyweds it is cute. Most of the time adult gift coupons tend to be a bit more “adult oriented”, lol…

  When children give them, they are cute, things like “good for one breakfast in bed”. Because everyone like children to make crunchy eggs, pancakes with gummy worms or gum drops in them as Janet and Patrick discuss.  Their pugs have great taste n ordering breakfast for Janet. Starbugs or Blackrock coffee, Dunkin, or Krispy Crème donuts or from the “Gourmet” Mom & Pop donut shop; that is really just a mom & pop shop with the best donuts in the valley at the Northeast corner of baseline & Dobson in Mesa.

Patrick takes a quick break, there are a few laughs and then we are on to socks and underwear. Air quotes about underwear, do not buy sexy underwear for your wife for Mother’s Day, it is for the husband. And don’t dare buy old lady underwear as a gift. Underwear is also one of those things that is not a gift, it is a necessity.

 Socks as well are not a gift, unless you are like Janet, the thicker the socks, the fuzzier the sock the better. Now those types of socks are a gift, at least for her they are. Of course this leads to more teasing by Patrick. Just more of that special magic that they have, like Janet hitting Patrick on air. She talks with her hands and cusses in Italian at Patrick. They move on to laugh.

So after some more laughter, yes of course more laughter, they get on to the subject of slippers. Normal people would not want slippers as a gift. However, maybe your woman, Mother of your children or your Mother, has a light heart and a sense of humor. If so, then look for those crazy fuzzy slippers. This is were Janet points out that she can fit into kids’ slippers. Little boys’ size 6 and loves the Monster feet, or caveman feet or animal slippers and superhero one’s and oh yes, light up shoes!

They move on to light up shoes and how they want some. Patrick agrees and they move onto wouldn’t it be nice to have the money of Kobe Bryant (R.I.P.) or Michael Jordan and design your own light up shoes. Patrick wants one of them to be his uncle. Janet points out that he is the wrong shade of black for that, he is white in fact. Patrick’s Birthday is Friday which brought up some teasing that Janet’s brother David did on Patrick’s behalf while out on a ride.

Patrick tells how the three of them went for a ride on their motorcycles and stopped to have a coke an American Legion. His had too much ice in it and he managed to spill it, on himself of course. David said that you can’t dress these kids up and take them anywhere. From Mesa to Fountain Hills to Cave Creek to home with David being tour guide. Patrick and Janet both agreed that they had a blast, saw a lot of beautiful scenery, and look forward to the next ride.

Back to the list, but first Patrick’s Birthday wish is for anyone listening to go to iTunes or Podchaser (Podchaser is giving 25cents for every review this month to meals on wheels. Double for a response. Link is at 18wheeltalk.com). It is very easy to find, very easy to rate, review. Their number one fan Shirley follows, listens and is a great person who shares us too! She also got them a new listener in her friend that they will shout out next time. They think her name is Elizabeth but will get it right for sure next time.

The next one Janet got as a gift one year, when she tipped the scale at about 140. She laughs about her 5’8” frame needing those products now, but not then. He called her a fat ass. Anyway, even if she asks for them, DO NOT buy a woman Diet Products for Mother’s Day. It will bite you in the ass, along with fitness products like a treadmill, weights, or a gym membership.

Janet tells Patrick he is going to need the next gift when she smacks the wrinkles into him. They laugh about his seasoned wrinkles. Janet calls him a bully pup, a pup because of her brother, a bully because of his sister.

They continue with Janet saying she wants to reverse the next gift and the last gift. They discuss things that are labeled #1 or #best. Like #1Mom, #BestGrandma. They don’t want to wear the same shirt from Walmart that all of their friends got from their kids.

Janet says the last gift is cheesy, Patrick says it says you don’t care. A plain generic gift card like Visa or MasterCard. If you live across country like they do from Patrick’s parents, you can still buy specific gift cards. For instance, they buy a gift card for Applebee’s, put it in a card and have flowers (like 1800flowers.com) or an edible arrangement sent. They sent a card for a restaurant they would take his parents to if they lived nearby.

This briefly brings up that sometimes you need to buy a Visa or MasterCard gift card for stores that do not offer their own. Patrick and Janet sent his father one last year with a note to please enjoy at Harbor Freight. Then they realize that they may be able to buy a gift card at the local Harbor Freight and mail it to him this year. Or True Value Hardware, this of course makes Patrick wonder if the one back home is open. Janet lets him know it isn’t.

The biggest thing they say about this list is pay attention to what you buy for Mom or Mother of your kids for Mother’s Day.  There is a list of their Top Ten (ish) favorite gifts to give.

So if you are broke, Janet says, here is what you do. When she was in her twenties and broke. She spent the day with her Mom, she came over and they went to Mass and then she cooked Sunday dinner and cleaned house and did the windows and yardwork and just helped out in anything her Mom needed done. Then they spent time together out on the patio. That is the best gift you can give, time together. Especially if you Mom is getting older, all she probably wants is to see you. Janet brings up what a great son her brother David always was to their Mother (Father too). He always came over and did any maintenance that was needed from in ground sprinkler installation to working on the swamp cooler and central air to helping with fencing and the cactus. He did all of this, not because of holiday’s but because this was our Mother. She obviously cares greatly for him. She brings up her sister (may she also rest in peace like their parents), and how she came to their Mother’s as much as she could, even with a house full of kids.

They continue with talk about if you are broke go see your parents, video chat if you can’t. Appreciate your parents.

Patrick asks Janet how many gifts they have on the Top Ten List to Buy. Janet says she has about ten, it is a variety.  Aimed at women of all walks of life to give people ideas. Click on the links to check them out.

Patrick would love reviews, stars, and Hello’s for his Birthday this year. He reminds everyone of the BIG GIVEAWAY. Click on the tab, vote for your favorite mug, there will be twenty winners. Each person that voted for the winning mug will be put in the drawing for a mug and a t-shirt.

So they end with Happy Mother’s Day, Happy Mommy’s Day, Happy Namaste, and some chatter about being loco.