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18WT 025: Stupid Criminals! 

June 22, 2021  Patrick Heller / Janet McCue

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18WT 025: We start the episode with Janet in a parka or so Patrick claims as she has on a long sweater. He welcomes everyone, because they’re not just a podcast show for truckers, they are much, much, more. They discuss being crazy before they get started because well, they are Crae-crae.

They discuss please leave your comments and they will be published. To whit Janet throws out that the only ones’ they delete are by Elizabeth because she doesn’t comment or listen. Patrick points out that she did comment on one episode. They have a shirt moving in the backround, and the nonsense continues. Lots of laughs of course.

Today they are talking about stupid criminals that Patrick found on the NY Post website. Back in April or May of this year. How stupid do you have to be he asks, and she replies most people on a scale of one to ten are up there and he agrees. On that note he wants to start the party and Janet begins to sing, anyways he brings her out of left field.

  • Burglar busted with Cheeto dust on her teeth. Which immediately brings up the commercial with Ashton Kutcher and his wifey Mila Kunis. Cutie pie Patrick replies caught orange handed. “Wasn’t me” in both the commercial and the criminal, Sharon Carr. Was arrested on first degree burglary charges for committing the dangerously cheesy act on Friday. At a home in Tulsa, she was busted after fleeing, after she left a bottle of water and an open bag of Cheetos on the floor near an open window. Carr emerged from the shadows and the mom i.d.’ her and the bust was further cemented by the orange snack food residue on her teeth. So she broke into a house to have a snack, how high on crack do you have to be, Patrick asks. Pretty high Janet replies or, maybe she smoked a little weed and got the munchies.

But Janet wants to talk about the stupidest criminal ever she says, this British guy, Clint Butler.

  • Mr. Butler, 36 yr. old, had served 14 years of a 17-year sentence, Broke out of jail, and had eluded police for months. Broke out in November and was caught when he went out from his hiding spot with a friend to go buy a copy of “Call of Duty Black Ops Cold War”. The officer asks them why are you in town during the pandemic lockdown. Patrick laughs that the pandemic got him. They replied that they cannot sit around in lockdown and had to get the new game. The officer ran the dimwitted duo’s information; Janet says it sounds like a Batman cartoon. Patrick said he escaped from jail and was living life on the lam until duty called. You can get a digital copy now. And Janet goes on a rant about it being a damn game, not real life. Get over it. But the criminal got confused and threw kicks and punches at the officer. So, now instead of his remaining three years, he has five to do.

And Patrick gets her going about video games, and the sparks fly. She really is trying as he laughs at her. On to the next stupid criminal.

  • Brainless crooks busted for kidnapping next to NYPD training center and Janet thinks she knows them. They start laughing. A group of bumbling crooks force a guy into a car and attempt to kidnap him. This brings on the entire conversation about how big of a car and how big of a group to be a group. Was it a smart car full of clowns, like in a circus; maybe they agree. A 19 yr. old victim in Bensonhurst was selling his car off of Facebook at 10pm. He arrived and 6 brutes pushed him into a vehicle flashing a fake gun. Janet points out if they flash a fake one, she will flash a real one. Then they blindfolded him and called his cousin on his phone demanding $10 thousand for his safe return. But the smarty britches quick thinking cousin traced the phone and it pinged near Floyd Bennett Field, an NYPD training facility usually crawling with cops. Here’s your sign stupid Patrick says, and continues that officers from the 62nd and 67th precincts along with city parks police rushed to the area and the alleged kidnappers were arrested. All six dumb asses.

This is the one I asked you about Janet says. Oh the birdbrain Patrick replies. Yes, she says.

  • A smuggler redefined flying cheap after getting busted Sunday at JFK International Airport smuggling in 29 live birds concealed inside hair rollers. A hairy experience missed it by a hair, and the hair jokes roll. He was caught during a luggage inspection. The birds were inside the rollers, inside his luggage. He was only fined $300 and both hosts are surprised by that. Although it sound hilarious, Janet quotes, U.S. Customs takes bird smuggling very seriously. There is the threat of Avian Flu. If they take it so seriously, why only $300. They discuss culling and they loss of animals from it. Last month Indian smugglers attempted to smuggle gold and stacks of cash under their glued-on wigs. Our hosts pretty much lose it over that. Stacks of cash, and gold, how bad are the wigs they wonder. And how heavy with gold on your head. In the infamous words of Bill Engvall “Here’s your sign”.

Janet removes her sweater as she says, for ten minutes or so she will be warm. It doesn’t happen often but for now it is good. She then points out that the two of them kind of match. Patrick disagrees.

Patrick sneezes a hundred times and this brings up an entire conversation about his family and sneezing.

Banks don’t accept by Cocaine.  

  • 24 yr. old from Jefferson county CO.   And Janet puts her sweater back on. And the jokes continue. This guy went to the bank drive thru and used the swishy tubes as Janet calls them (pneumatic tubes). Puts his money in the holder, put it in the tube and sent it up. When the teller opened it up, they didn’t just find money, they found two bags of cocaine and called the cops. Patrick says he would have put it in his pocket and sold it on the street. Janet asks when did he become a big drug dealer? And how did she miss the message? They could be rolling in the money. More singing. The guys’ car was searched, and he was arrested. But for what, intent to sell. 
Patrick again says he would have gone to his druggy friends and asked them the value. Janet said of course you have druggy friends, she doesn’t, so she would ask him. So he could ask his druggy friends. He now denies having druggy friends and more laughter as a rewind is requested. It seems that Janet is correct again. She doesn’t have druggy friends, she has him! She threw him under the bus and he dropped the F-Bomb. Over 20 minutes and back-to-back F-Bombs…

Janet asks if Patrick likes Lynyrd Skynyrd. 

  • A guy stole $12 thousand in Lynyrd Skynyrd memorabilia. He stole a trailer out of a hotel parking lot, and it was filled with donations that were going to be sold off for a charity cancer event in honor of Jimmy Van Zandt. The most valuable item in the trailer was a 1957 Les Paul autographed guitar. They are both sure it had a lot of things in it that were valuable.  Janet tells about how trailer and U-Hauls’ being stolen is actually quite common.
More stupid crimes were read out loud.
  • There are two guys in England, that took photo’s of themselves stealing from slot machines. Benjamin Robinson (any relation to Christopher they both wonder and laugh) was given 32 months and Daniel Hutchinson got 6 months suspended.
  • Another guy put his plans on Facebook before he did the robbery. It took police 15 minutes to catch him, he got 4 years.
  • The goldilocks burglar washed his pots and his pants in a home. A retired couple returned from vacation to find a burglar asleep in their bed. He had done their dishes, bought groceries, cleaned house, and washed his underwear. He got two years suspended.
  • Bird brained prank, two Welsh tourists, stole a penguin named Dirk from Sea World from the gold coast. They swam with the dolphins and put off a fire extinguisher in the shark tank. They tried to take care of the penguin by putting him in the shower and feeding him. They later released him in a canal but were arrested and fined.
  • A man didn’t like the photo on his arrest warrant in Ohio. So he sent the police a better one. Citing that the picture they had made him look like James Brown on the run. They thanked him for the better more current picture.
  • An Afghan Taliban commander turned himself in at a police checkpoint and pointed to his own wanted poster, requesting his own arrest reward. The only statement authorities had to say was “clearly this man is an imbecile”.

Then Patrick tells a joke backwards, as always.

  • Don’t move, I have a cucumber. A guy tried to rob a bookstore. The cucumber came out of the black sock when he was tackled by an off-duty police officer. He tried telling police it was a joke.
  • Catch me if you can…criminal o the run took an ill-advised turn in taunting police. Telling police to catch me if you can. They joke about the name of the town for a bit; but is seems to be pronounced “carefully”. He even told the local news; I am just walking around by home, and they will never look for me here. He was caught the same day.
  • A hapless holdup, during an attempted heist, the robber used a toy gun and then couldn’t leave because he was pulling on the door. The lady he held up had to come open the door for him by pushing it open. He also had tried to rob the same shop ten days earlier. He got 3 years for the offense and 2 years for possession of a toy gun.
  • Bag man named badman. Mr. Badman used a bag on his head and took the bag off in front of c.c. tv and looked right at the camera. It cost him 900 pounds and court costs.
  • A burglar in China got stuck trying to squeeze through a 5th floor window, he’s no Jackie Chan.
  • The next guy vaguely resembles a fat, beat up, hung over Johnny Depp, kinda sorta Janet thinks. He robbed his local bank wearing sunglasses and socks over his shoes. Gave the teller his correct name an address. Went home and to his local bank because he changed his address. They found him without any problems.

They agree people everywhere are stupid.

  • In South Africa, a man trying to steal a car got locked inside of it. People going by took pictures, taunted, and laughed. The owner left him there and called the police.
  • The next guy stole a phone without changing the sim card. Took selfies which went to all of the friends and co-workers. He was snared by selfies, caught with everything including the Rolex and all.

They then begin discussing how not to rob a bank and how Janet maybe could wear sunglasses and a pink beanie, and nobody would know who she is, maybe.

They finish up with some Breast Cancer Support requests from their listeners, more sales from the support tab on the website equals more money for research.

Thank you for listening.